There are other things going on that really have no solution. No matter what I do somebody is going to get fucked over. There are conflicting feelings within myself. I think I made some bad decisions. I want to go back to before. When things were simple. Remember when you liked someone you got your friends to go and ask them out? Those were the days eh? None of the stress of being rejected. Same for breaking up. Just send a friend.
I miss having my best friend. I just really don't know what to do. I love you, but sometimes I don't. And I don't know if sometimes is enough. I don't want to hurt anybody. So I'm pulling back. Pulling inside myself. Pulling away. Trying to stop myself from getting hurt, But I think it's too late. I just really don't know what to do, and I apologize for doing this to you.
- Location:Rez
- Mood:
blank - Music:Left and Leaving - The Weakerthans
I'm not talking to someone and don't know when I'll resume communication. I'm sick of the double standards between us. It's not fair. So... my extremely mature reaction is to do what she does when she's angry. Stop talking to the person with whom she has beef against.
In other news, my mom had a mammogram the other day. She has to go have another one because they found something again. I can't go through this again. The doctors said she'd be alright. They said with the surgery and the other treatments she'd be fine. Well, apparently she might not be fine. I can't go through another year of chemo, of all the sickness. Especially not from Ottawa. They said she'd be fine and she's not.
So my response to my world falling apart? Drink. It makes life suck less. You guys should try it.
Fuck life.
Whitney
- Location:Basement
- Mood:
discontent - Music:These Pages - Chris Pureka
So I leave in 29 days! Holy Shit! I'm stoked. It's gonna be so much damn fun. The only thing I'm not looking forward to is telling my parents. That's really gonna suck, but it'll be ok.
My sister's coming this weekend... I GET TO SEE MY BABY!! I haven't seen him in a while. Yay!
Well... that is all. I'm bored.
- Location:Library
- Mood: bored
- Music:None
Got mah sexy shoes... ordered the tux... getting drunk and partying! So excited.
So LIfe got cancelled and my life is pretty much over. Not impressed NBC... not impressed. It was an amazing show. It was a cop show, yes, but it wasn't the typical cop show. The characters were funny and had their own storylines. NOt to mention hot hot Sarah Shahi with a gun (AWESOME!). I'm really gonna miss this show. It seems like all my shows got cancelled this season. It's making me upset. It should stop... now. Just cause I said so.
That is all.
- Location:Basement
- Mood: crushed
- Music:Vegas - Sarah Bareilles
79 days till I go to St Louis to see the girl:)
I'm super stoked but I don't know how I'm going to tell my parents. Oh well I have a little bit of time to think on that.
Prom soon!! I think I'm leaning more towards a different kind of suit than I originally planned. I shall bring the catalogue soon.
1. How is this gonna turn out?
2. She said yes:)
3. I'm sorry... but this shit needs to stop.
4. What is wrong with people eh?
5. So you're talking to me again? It's not happening.
6. I miss you... the way things were.
- Location:basement
- Mood: sore
- Music:Somewhere A Clock is Ticking - Snow Patrol
I was such a little bitch and got someone else to ask Alexa to the prom for me. I have such a hard time doing things like that. Talking to girls, asking them out... shit like that.... total pussy. I get all shy and tongue tied around anyone I like... or it takes all my effort not to. Well anyway she said yes... so yay! I have a prom date. Maybe I'll actually get laid this prom. Been to two and didn't get any at either. Bullshit.
And now I'm bored.
1. Who's gonna make the first move?
2. You're pretty much the craziest mofo I know.
3. I am so confused by all that I have learned...
4. I love how you don't remember her name
5. Where the fuck have you been asshat?
6. You will learn to love it... or I kill you!
7. I like you a lot more now.
8. You need to talk to me less... I don't know how I can make it clearer without simply coming out and saying it.
9. Uterus of DOOM!
- Location:basement
- Mood:
crazy - Music:Jill Staveley - Incidental
ONE MORE DAY! Everyone say goodbye to me now because I might not come back. I'm going to see An Horse... if you don't know who they are... go to their myspace. Killer. I probably shouldn't be going alone... but I am not missing this concert. I'm soooo stoked.
Anyway... that is all.
Until next time.
- Location:Basement
- Mood: crazy
- Music:Little Lungs - An Horse
Someone hang out with me cause I'm bored as fuck.
Anyway, Saturday went really well. She's a pretty cool girl. I'm excited to see where this is going. However... the girl needs to learn how to take a gift:) Worst response to flowers I've ever gotten. Here, have some flowers... ahh I hate you... umm ok?
Friday's gonna be the shit!
LIST CAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO DO!! AHHH I H1. Why are you still talking to me? I thought we established I don't really care for you?
2. I like you.
3. You're a dumbass
4. I'm really sorry(everyone)
5. I miss you
6. We need to hang out soon
7. Go die in a hole you useless piece of shit.
- Location:Basement
- Mood:
bouncy - Music:Kaki King - Fortuna
During the course of planning my party... when it was not going to be held at someone's house. I invited a lot more people than I should have. People that I'm not really close with and people that the host does not like. I admit that disinviting one person and disinviting her the way we did was an asshole thing to do and for that I am sorry. I am not, however, sorry that she transfered, and before you all bitch me out for saying that... here is why. There was more than one reason for her to transfer. Though I have not been talking to her personally, more than one person has said that her mother wanted her to transfer and that she herself said that the uninviting was not the sole reason for her transferring. We were never really friends so I don't have the emotional investment that the rest of you do.
I have made another party. I don't know where it will be... other than not at Jeff's. It has a significantly smaller guest list... and if you aren't on it I apologize. I just want to start over. I don't know if I can though. One of my best friends is not coming and it makes me incredibly sad that I caused this. There is nothing I want more than to have my friends come to my birthday party.
In other news... happy birthday Jonathan.
- Location:The Mez
- Mood: sad
- Music:None
In other news my sister is finally dragging her lazy ass down to visit this weekend and I'm super stoked. I haven't seen my nephew in 6 months. That is entirely too long.
Even if semi was a bit of a waste... I looked damn hot :P.
- Location:Basement
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:Little Bit - Lykke Li
I've only had a date to two semis and both times it was Eric. That seems like so long ago. Like a completely different life. Sometimes I miss him. He was my best friend for a year and a half and suddenly he was gone. My life completely changed when he left. I can literally draw a line. Before him I had a good family life, a good social life. After him my family fell apart and in a way I fell apart.
So this should be an interesting night. She's such a cool girl and I love hanging out with her. Last Friday I think was the most I've laughed in a while.
List:
1. You helped me figure out who I am
2. I don't know how I feel
3. You're becoming one of my best friends
4. Sometimes I wonder if you still want to be my friend
5. I'm sorry I treated you so badly
6. Things are really complicated because of who I'm friends with
Aaaaannnnndddd I'm done.
- Location:Basement
- Music:Glycerine - Melissa Ferrick
I had a blast on New Year's with Olive, Carri, Tom, and Ben. McDonald's was amusing. We should have gone to bed way earlier though. Four in the morning is not a good thing.
WE NEED TO HAVE DINNER SOON!!
- Location:Basement
- Mood:
tired - Music:Michaelangelo Signorile Show
2. I want it to be summer so I can be with you.
3. What the fuck is your problem with me?
4. I just want it to be like before... when you were my best friend and I could tell you anything.
5. I don't know if I did the right thing.
6. You're an ass.... I don't care if you're mad at me for doing it.
7. I miss the way we used to be before some stuff happened. You're still my best friend.
8. You've turned out to be a pretty cool person... I want to get to know you better.
9. You make some of the strangest noises... (could be two people)
I don't really know if I can be normal around you anymore. The closeness we had before is gone now... I'm sorry. Something just changed.... in a way I think you sort of broke my heart. It's not your fault... how could you have known. But it still happened. I didn't mean for this to happen. I really just wanted us to be friends, and we were for a while. You're just such an amazing person, I couldn't help it. I want you to be happy... but I wanted it to be with me. I still want to be friends... but I need time. I'm sorry.
- Location:My basement
- Mood: thoughtful
- Music:Pretty Blue - Melissa McClelland
I probably should have done something about this crush when it happened but for some reason the timing was never right. She was in a relationship or I was in a relationship... anyway, I didn't do anything. Now I'm too late. She's dating this guy that she thinks walks on water. The worst part is she's noticed that I'm kind of down, or not myself lately, and she's trying to help. I can't tell her the real reason why... so now I'm lying to her. This girl that I like so much... I'm now lying to.
Relationships are complicated... I know. But when you're gay it become this whole dance from the moment you meet someone. If there's a connection you second guess yourself...well she just must be a nice person... she doesn't actually like me. Add that to the fact that I'm naturally not confident... it seems like I'll never find someone. I talk a lot of shit... I put on an act. I'm scared shitless that I'll end up alone.
I fucking hate winter, it makes me depressed
- Location:My basement
- Mood: depressed
- Music:An Horse - Rearrange Beds
- Location:Le basement
- Music:An Horse - Camp Out
1. I love you... you don't know it though.
2. I love you... you do know. Nothing will change that.
3. You have been there for me through so much shit. I don't think I tell you this enough but you're pretty much my best friend... I should say things like that more often but it's hard.
4. We've bonded over some insane stuff these past few months. You're hilarious and I know I can talk to you about pretty much anything. I hope you know you can trust me with the same.
5. You make the morning much more tolerable.
6. Back up off me woman, I have a wife.
7. You helped me realize just who I was. I don't know where I'd be without you and it sort of kills me that you threw away everything we had just because I can't be with you that way anymore. I do still love you. Whether you believe me or not, I do.
8. Even when you feel like you have no one here... I will always be there for you. Just ask, and I'll do what I can.
9. You were my best friend once. I miss us.
10. You're a fucking bitch now... go die in a hole. I'm still better than you.
- Location:My basement
- Mood: contemplative
- Music:Kay Pettigrew - It Doesn't Matter
So Carri and Olivia and I went to Oshawa last Friday for a rally. It was so amazing seeing all these people there to show their support for these people and the community. There was a bigger girl there that was all stealth trying to get in pics with Anji and Jane. It made me giggle. Then there was the really angry girl across from us yelling all the time.She was scary.
Ok well the bell is about to ring. Later!
- Location:School
I know everyone is telling me to go to the cops and shit but please... I know you care about me but that's just something I really don't want to do. It opens up a whole can of worms that I'm not ready to deal with quite yet. I'm alive... I'm gonna be ok in a couple days... don't worry about it. I was angry for a while but
I've come to realize people are assholes sometimes. His hate is not going to change who I am. I don't think a million beatings could possibly change me. I'm still going to feel the way I do now. I will not cower in a corner and cut everyone off. Yes I realize I'm kind of contradicting myself by saying I'm going to be proud and still not talking to my parents. But anyone who's ever come out knows how freaking scary that shit can be, and at this point I'm just not prepared to do that.
All this has made me think about my life however. I now realize I am not ready to go off to school next year. I'm gonna take another year... do some travelling this summer... look into some schools down in the states. I'm just not at a point in my life where I'm ready to devote all my time to university. I still need to do some stuff here. So yeah... Victory lap here I come...
- Location:Home
- Mood: contemplative
- Music:Farewell Transmission - Songs: Ohia
Never in a million years did I ever think this would happen to me. A piece of shit bastard kicks the shit out of me because of who I choose to love. Beats me to near unconsciousness over something so fucking stupid as the fact that I like girls. Who fucking cares. Am I endangering you in any way? I really don't think so. I don't even know you... I don't know what you look like... you're a fucking ignorant coward. You deserve to fucking die... all alone. You don't deserve to ever be happy. Don't think that's right? Well that's what you tried to accomplish last night. You don't want me to ever be happy because the thought of me and a girl makes you sick. Sick enough to beat me in the middle of the night with no one around. An 18 year old girl... yeah you're real fucking tough.
- Location:Home
- Mood:
pissed off
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